


You were my halogen, guiding me home

by OrangeMentats



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Mild Smut, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-29 12:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20082103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OrangeMentats/pseuds/OrangeMentats
Summary: It had been three days since the majority of the Survey Corps had left to retake Shiganshina District. Three days since you had begged Erwin to let you join the expedition and three days since he had rebuffed you.





	1. You were my halogen, guiding me home

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Contains major spoilers for Attack on Titan season 3
> 
> I haven't read the manga yet so this is entirely based on the anime. 
> 
> This is more evidence that I'm shit at finishing works what I've already started in favour of little one-shots.

It had been three days since the majority of the Survey Corps had left to retake Shiganshina District. Three days since you had begged Erwin to let you join the expedition and three days since he had rebuffed you. You had broken your arm in a training exercise the month before – an entirely avoidable and embarrassing accident while sparring with Levi – and it was still in the process of healing. You had been incapable of using your 3D manoeuvre gear since the accident which had left you feeling entirely useless and deflated. The healing process was slow, but at least you were improving. 

You could’ve argued the point until your face turned blue, pointing out in bed the night before the expedition that Erwin himself would be venturing out with only one working arm. He had kissed your forehead then, stroking your cheek and reminding you that he’d had plenty of time to adapt to life with one arm, while your injury was still causing considerable pain. Eventually you had conceded to his better judgment, besides, using your 3D manoeuvre gear before being fully healed could set back your recovery or put you out of action altogether. The Survey Corps needed to be at their strongest for the battles to come and so you must rest, as he had reminded you before making love to you like it was to be the last time. You came with his name on your lips like a prayer.

You had waved Erwin and the others off from the wall at dawn, sharing a brief embrace and kiss with your blonde-haired Commander before watching him descend over the other side. You watched them go until they were out of sight, an unease settling in your stomach that you couldn’t shift. The feeling stayed until you heard the drumming of hooves on the road outside headquarters, rising from your seat in elation that everyone was finally home. You noticed, subconsciously, that the approaching horses sounded quieter than you would’ve expected but chalked it up to being Erwin and a few of the others hurrying back while the others enjoyed the celebrations. 

How wrong you were. 

You rushed to the courtyard, eager to welcome your comrades home, but the sight that met you left you speechless and confused. In the courtyard was a mere nine horses and their riders, all weary and dishevelled from fighting. Your eyes scanned the group, searching for the beautiful blonde-haired man you loved, but came up empty. Hange was the first to catch your eye, dismounting her horse and loping across the distance toward you. It was only when you caught Levi’s eye that you knew – this was everyone who made it home. The realisation hit like a sledgehammer, a whirlwind of shock and grief and anger that you couldn’t comprehend. 

Hange was with you now, her arm around your shoulder as she spoke, but you couldn’t hear a word she said. Your legs crumpled beneath you and you fell to your knees, grasping at the other woman’s leg for support. The wail that left your lips was heart breaking, an otherworldly sound composed entirely of grief. Somewhere in your head you realised that it didn’t sound like you. Tears fell from your eyes in a deluge, soaking the white cotton of your trousers where fat droplets landed on your legs. Hange was kneeling now, stroking your hair, but you barely noticed. Your grief was all-encompassing and your heart ached so much in your chest that you thought it might explode. 

Everything after that was just a blur. There was shouting and panic and screaming – the latter two, you realised, coming from yourself – as those in the courtyard stabled their horses and tried desperately to console you. There was no other word for it – you were inconsolable. 

It was Levi who took the initiative in the end, the raven-haired Captain scooping you into his arms as you sobbed on the dusty courtyard ground. He held you to his chest in a firm grip, the hand against your back rubbing softly in an attempt to soothe you. It was a subtle gesture but one you appreciated, your fingers grasping the bloody fabric of his shirt as you buried your face against him. You were faintly aware that you were ugly crying against his chest and drenching his shirt with tears as you wept, but even that realisation couldn’t stem the flow of your grief. 

He had been planning on taking you to your own room but as he moved through the corridors and toward Erwin’s office and quarters he felt your breath hitch and your grip on his shirt tighten. His path altered slightly, guiding you to the room that he thought might bring you a little comfort – after all, you’d spent more nights there over the last year than you had in your own quarters. He cradled you against him as he pushed open the heavy oak door to Erwin’s office and carried you past his desk and into the adjoining bedroom. 

You screwed your eyes shut as you moved through the rooms, the wounds too fresh to see any tangible reminder of the man you loved. You were acutely aware that Levi was lowering you down onto the bed but you couldn’t bear the thought of being left alone here. Not yet. Your hand remained tightly wound in the fabric of his shirt and you found yourself choking out two words, your voice hoarse from crying. 

“Please stay.”

Your words were no louder than a whisper, but the dark-haired Captain heard them. You imagined seeing you like this made him uncomfortable – he didn’t like people at the best of times – and yet he stayed regardless. He nodded, an almost imperceptible motion, but it was enough. You released your grip on the white cotton of his shirt, curling into a ball beside him as he perched on the edge of the bed you and Erwin had shared only three days earlier.

It felt like such an invasion of privacy, seeing you in this state, in this room. He had a front row seat to your grief and felt a wave of guilt wash over him; Erwin had died because of his decision. It was the right decision, he knew that in his heart, but it had caused you and the others such pain. He watched as you buried your face in the soft sheets that covered the bed, your body shaking with dry, silent sobs. He reached out and laid a hand on your head, stroking your hair until the sobs subsided and you drifted into a fitful sleep. Eventually, once he was satisfied that he wouldn’t wake you, he rose. He regarded you for a moment, the rise and fall of your chest, before turning to leave with a sigh. Sleep would evade him again tonight. He turned to leave but paused again at the door; you looked peaceful, even if it was only temporary. He pulled the door closed with a sigh;

“I’m sorry.”


	2. My only weapon, when I was alone

The first week after Erwin’s death was hard. On the first day you ate absolutely nothing, only leaving the spot where Levi had left you to use the bathroom before returning to curl up in your lover’s lingering scent. 

As the week wore on you became like a ghost, haunting the corridors after dark to retrieve food and water without the risk of running into anyone – curfew be damned. The punishment for being caught didn’t scare you - you had nothing left to lose anymore. Someone had taken to leaving a plate of food out every evening, which was sweet of them. You appreciated the gesture, scurrying out after dark to pick at the contents of the plate and washing it before returning to Erwin’s quarters. 

Your sleeping pattern was ruined. You found yourself sleeping through the day and being awake in the night but you didn’t mind so much. Night was dark and quiet and let you wallow in your own misery without being disturbed by the sounds of your comrades training outside. It was peaceful and gave you the time you needed to work through your feelings. In the Survey Corps no one was a stranger to grief. Everyone in the unit had lost someone they cared for at some point and you were no exception. Erwin’s death had been different. His death had taken the sun from the sky above you and left you in darkness. You had both known the risks when you had entered into your relationship; chances are one of you would die before the other. It came with the territory of being a Scout. You had spoken about it on a few occasions. You had both told the other that you shouldn’t cling to the past, that you had to move forward. Move on. Be happy with someone else. 

It was a lot harder to live by those words now that the man you loved was gone. 

In some ways you had been lucky that you broke your arm when you did, you weren’t expected to participate in training exercises or chores and no one came looking for you when you didn’t emerge from Erwin’s quarters for days at a time. 

By the end of the second week you had taken to sleeping in your own quarters. You realised that if you stayed in Erwin’s quarters you would never move on and start to heal, no matter how much it hurt to do so. Under cover of darkness you had slid a note under Hange’s door saying you had taken your leave of your lover’s office - as new Commander of the Survey Corps she should take over Erwin’s quarters as her own. You had taken what few things you needed, things that reminded you of him, and taken them with you. A shirt, the one he’d worn the day before he left, the jacket he wore on special occasions. A few small trinkets, a notepad with his scrawled writing inside, little things that reminded you of him. You found each of them a little place in your room and settled into your usual routine of scurrying out at night for food. 

By the end of the third week you were feeling more normal and had begun trying to right your sleeping pattern. Your arm was also beginning to feel much better; it didn’t twinge when carrying things anymore and seemed to be pretty much recovered. You would have to return to your duties soon and the thought made your insides writhe. How could you face the others after your outburst? How could you face Levi? Mikasa? Eren? What would they think of you? They’d probably think you were a mess. You were a mess, if you were honest with yourself. 

It was mid-afternoon when you bathed, pulled on your uniform, tied up your hair and left the room. Where the material used to cling to the contours of your body it was now loose, clearly you hadn’t been looking after yourself. You could hear the commotion of the others bickering and arguing over dinner but didn’t join them. You headed outside, donned your gear, and began practicing. You could grip a sword without pain now and the thought brought you comfort. You’d keep on training to build your strength and kill that monkey motherfucker for what he’d done to you. For what he’d done to everyone. You trained until it was dark again. You slept at night, or at least you tried. The nightmares kept restful sleep at bay. 

You were up early the following day and decided to join the others while they trained in the morning. You made a beeline for Mikasa and Sasha, hoping a bit of company would fend off the waves of grief that would still overcome you at inopportune moments. Neither mentioned your outburst and you sparred with both with a renewed vigour, laughing and joking as if nothing had changed. It felt alien, this happiness. You had forgotten what it felt like. After a particularly gruelling spar with Sasha, she pulled you into a hug and you smiled. It felt foreign on your lips. 

After sparring you joined Armin, Jean and Eren as they maintained their gear. Lord knows yours was overdue for maintenance. Company was surprisingly nice. You had missed them all while in your self-imposed exile, even if you hadn’t noticed at the time. 

Connie and Sasha tried to pull you into the dining hall that evening but you declined; you weren’t quite ready to deal with that many people at once. Maybe tomorrow, you’d said, with a meek smile. You meandered through the corridors to the kitchen, fixing yourself a paltry meal of bread and potato and made your way back to your quarters. Although exhausting, spending the day with your friends and comrades had been enjoyable. You promised yourself you would do it again tomorrow – it would’ve been what Erwin would’ve wanted. Shrugging off your jacket, you laid on the bed and tucked into the bland meal before you. Maybe you should’ve gone with Connie and Sasha after all.


End file.
